How to come up with a joke: methods and tips. Good jokes. The funniest jokes the best short jokes The joke is about

Funny jokes will help improve your mood when you're sad, break the ice between people, and simply fill a gap in conversation. The most funny jokes our site, specially selected for you, will help not only lift your mood, but also improve your health, because laughter is best medicine. In this section you will find the funniest jokes that have been selected in the hope that whatever your sense of humor, you will like them.

Anecdotes are one of the oldest forms of literary humor, so to speak. From time immemorial, jokes have evolved into the forms that we have today. We tried to collect the funniest jokes on our website, since jokes can be either very funny or not funny at all. A mixture of wit, comic situations, plot and set characters play a major role in the joke. But even in order to understand very funny jokes You need to have a good sense of humor, because without such a wonderful sense of humor, it’s better not to read jokes at all, you won’t understand. :)

It takes 7 seconds for food to move from the mouth to the stomach. Human hair can withstand a load of 3 kilograms. The length of the penis is 3 times the length of your thumb. Women blink 2 times more often than men. The girls have already read this text. The guys are still looking at their thumb.

In the classroom, the teacher gives the children a task.
- From city A to city B is forty kilometers, and from city B to city C is seventy kilometers. Who can tell how old I am?
Petya raises his hand and says:
- Forty eight.
- Petenka, how did you guess?
“And there’s an auntie living in our building who doesn’t have everything at home, so she’s twenty-four.”

A blonde comes to a beauty salon and says:
- I want very smooth skin and big, shiny eyes. How much will it cost?
- 1500.
- What, dollars for the operation?
- No, rubles, for a gas mask.

An angry husband discovers a man in the marital bed.
- What are you doing here?
“You see,” the wife says to the man, “I told you he’s a fool.”

It's raining outside. A completely dry man comes into the office.
- How come you didn’t get wet?
- Ah...I'm careful, carefully, between the drops...

From the testimony: “He called me a pig, and I thought and thought and didn’t understand why I’m a pig. She’s feminine, and I am a man. That’s why I got offended and hit citizen Nikolaev.”

Do you have wrinkles, dry skin, crooked legs?
Calm down - a bottle of vodka given to your husband will instantly return you to your former freshness and attractiveness.

The signalman enters the church and begins to pray:
- Lord, can you hear me? One..one...one...

The old gentleman is dying. His wife is sitting near his bed.
Him: Martha, I now remember all those years when we were together...
She: Yes, dear?
Him: I remember the time when we first met. I had absolutely no money. One pound seemed like a fortune to me then... But you were next to me, Martha... And when we got married, do you remember? - I invested all my hard-earned money in shares, but they fell in price... It was a very difficult time... Then you were also nearby...
She (through tears): Yes, yes, dear!
Him: And later, when the war began and I was drafted into the army... You went to the front as a nurse and when I was wounded, you were also nearby in the hospital... Do you remember the post-war crisis? When sometimes we had nothing to eat for days on end... Then you were with me too... And later, when I fell ill with pneumonia, you sat day and night by my bed... just like now... Yes, now, when I'm dying, you're here too, Martha...
She (sobbing): Of course, dear!!!
Him: Martha, you bring me misfortune!

Hello, Petya! Come, there are such girls here, bring vodka...
- Hello! Vasya! Come, there is so much vodka here - bring the girls!

A new breed of hunting bees was bred. Huge like bears, angry like dogs.
- Do they bring honey?
- Of course, they take it from the women at the market and bring it back.

Girl, let's go for a walk in the park?
- And in this very park you will fuck me?
- No, of course! We'll just take a walk with you.
- You know, I don’t really feel like going for a walk...

There are two tomatoes sitting in the refrigerator. One says to the other:
- Dzzzzzz, how cold it is!!
Second:
- Aaaah, a talking tomato!!

A little boy asks his dad, “Why are parrots green?”
- Because they get seasick on palm trees.

Zoo. A girl asks her mother:
- Mom, do you know why this goat is looking very sadly into the distance?
- Daughter, have you ever seen your daddy happy? It’s just how their life is...

When a person is bitten by a vampire, he turns into a vampire...
It feels like everyone around has been bitten by sheep!!!

Conversation between two friends:
- Damn, my neighbor is lucky! I have a husband and a lover. So yesterday she was raped in the entrance...

Yesterday I gave my grandmother an energy drink to try.
- So what?
- So she went on foot to get milk... To Vologda!

The wife approaches her husband and begins to complain about her son’s behavior:
- Vasya, he has become simply unbearable. He only listens to the advice of various idiots. Maybe you can talk to him, and maybe he’ll listen to you.

Sunny, are you cooking something, or has our cat shit somewhere again?

• Forward >

Random article

About the benefits of good jokes

The notorious British scientists in one study found out what character traits of women men prefer most. Oddly enough, neither external beauty nor quality sex topped the list. These qualities did not even make it into the top three places. Loyalty and friendliness are ranked first. In third place, the majority ranked a sense of humor.

There is a saying that 5 minutes of laughter is equivalent to a glass of sour cream. Indeed, the woman who can make you laugh and help you forget about difficulties for a while will be remembered even after a short first conversation. A man will notice such a witty lady and he will want to get positive emotions again. The body of a laughing person produces endorphins, which cause a positive mood.

Humor and jokes will be an excellent tool in creating and strengthening relationships between men and women. In the West, there are even courses for women who want to develop a good sense of humor, because the benefits of jokes and humor in our lives cannot be overestimated.

This question is not simple and you need to start with the basics: for example, if you are generally indifferent to sports programs on TV, then you should not try to make a football fan laugh by commenting on the match. Here's the problem! First you need to find out what your chosen one generally likes to laugh at. Or he doesn’t like these jokes and gags of yours at all.

When a man opens his car door for his wife, you can be sure of one of two things: either he has a new car or a new wife. 15

Marriage is a struggle: first for unity, then for equality, and then for independence... And so on - until death do you part 17

Dark, like Malevich's square 13

There are two systems in our country - law enforcement and healthcare. And meeting any of them is dangerous to health 14

If a girl whispers to you during sex, “I’m cumming...” then shout in her ear, “NOT IN ME!” 15

The patient began to recover. But I didn't get there 12

Who memorized English-Russian dictionary, knows English-Russian language 13

The most best actors, of course, from Disney. He simply erases a bad actor. Alfred Hitchcock 10

Everything said after the 5th glass is an information leak 13

If men reproach you for faking an orgasm, don’t fake it. Let them try! 12

There are no ugly men, there are men who have little money! 12

Health is when everything hurts, but you still have the strength not to go to the doctor. 12

Positive emotions- these are the emotions that arise if you put everything on... 10

Be sure to get married. If you get caught good wife, you will become happy, and if you are bad, you will become a philosopher Socrates 12

Ideal women are chess players: they can remain silent for hours, follow the pieces well and know many interesting positions. Ashot Nadanyan 13

Vodka is only expensive at first, and then it doesn’t matter how much it costs there. 11

If a woman doesn't moan at night, she grumbles during the day! 11

The girls are standing on the sidelines, fiddling with handkerchiefs in their hands... Because out of ten girls, according to statistics: 3 are gay, 4 are alcoholics, 2 are divorced, 2 are drug addicts and 1 is normal, but he is married.. 13

Our cat didn’t like the vacuum cleaner at first either, but then nothing happened, she got hooked... 12

Ancient Chinese wisdom - NISSAS. Which means, be serene, like a lotus flower at the foot of the temple of truth. 11

When you think about foreign language, then completely different thoughts come 12

Everyone has the right to make a mistake, and so that everyone can take advantage of this right, elections are held 11

Yesterday the vodka was soft, the juice was good, the cigarette was light. Why is it so bad in the morning? 11

It takes a person 2 years to learn to speak and 60 to learn to keep his mouth shut. 12

Another dull evening has been killed in a shooting spree in our city. 11

To avoid buying children's chewing gum tomorrow, don't forget to use adult gum today 11

A kiss is what a husband asks his wife to do before marriage, and she asks him to do so after. 12

The stingy pays twice, the stupid pays three times, the sucker always pays 11

Family replaces everything, so before you get married, think about what is more important to you - everything or family 11

May God grant everyone to have what those who have us have 12

Bachelor's motto: You can't take us with your bare feet! 9

A cleanly tidy apartment and a delicious dinner are two signs of a faulty computer 10

Rose, my dear, marry me!
- Will you give me a ring with a huge diamond?
- You really blew me off, you really...

The wife calls her husband:
- Ale! Can you talk?
- Can.
- Then listen.

Barrymore, what is that howling in the swamps?
-You never took your woman to the sea, sir?

A man came to the kindergarten to pick up his son, began to dress the boy, and then the teacher came up:
- This is not your child!
- Okay, neighbor gossip, but so do you!

Man, are you bored?
- Not so much.

The men are sitting, making ferment. One doesn't drink.
“My wife,” he says, “will smell the smell and won’t let her come home!”
- Nonsense! Eat something, you'll drown out the smell, and not a damn thing will smell it!
The man drank. I ate a clove of garlic, chewed a bay leaf, smoked, and finally chewed some gum. He comes home and knocks on the door.
The wife shouts from behind the door:
- Got drunk again, you bastard!
- No, what are you talking about!
- Well, breathe into the keyhole."
The man breathed.
The wife shouts from behind the door:
- You're good at telling jokes! Breathe with your mouth!

Pasha, hello!
- Girl, I don’t... - Long time no see! Still good in bed?
- Well, Pashka is Pashka.

A lady walks into a very expensive boutique.
Seller: - Hello, let me introduce you to a new collection, it’s exclusive! Excuse me, do you have money?..
- No...
- Well, why are you stuck, I should go to the market!
- I have a card.
- Hello again!

Hello! What a cool blouse you're wearing!
- Can you imagine, I have absolutely nothing under it!
- Don’t worry, they will grow up!

A neighbor knocks on the door:
- Hello. We bought a new car. Can you lend me some bread?

The maid asked the mistress of the house for an increase. The woman became noticeably upset and asked:
- Helen, why do you think you deserve a salary increase?
- Well, there are three reasons for this. First of all, I iron clothes better than you.
Woman:
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- The second reason is that I cook better than you.
- Who said that?
- Your husband.
- ABOUT…
Helen:
- And the third reason is that I’m better at sex than you.
Woman:
- Did my husband really say that too?!
Helen:
- No, our gardener.
- So, how much do you want?

Dad, I want to take ballet.
- No, Seryozha, it’s dangerous.
- Why?
- I'll break your legs.

Why are you stuffing condoms into your pockets?
- I'm going to the disco.
- Do you know the sign?
- Which one?
- If you take an umbrella, it won’t rain!

An old Jew is walking down the street with a stick - he can barely move his legs...
On the other side of the street, some guy overtakes him. The Jew shouts to him:
- Young man, are you going to the laundry by any chance?
- To the laundry room.
- Well then, follow me...

Little Moishe comes to the store.
“I need three liters of honey,” he hands the jar to the saleswoman. She pours a full jar.
- And dad will come tomorrow and pay.
“Well, no,” the saleswoman takes the jar from him and pours the honey back.
Moishe goes outside and looks into the jar:
- Dad was right, there is enough for two sandwiches.

Odessa. One neighbor says to another:
- Semyon Markovich, I am still delighted with your feelings! You and Sofa have been living together for 20 years and yet, walking around the city, you always hold hands!
- Oh, Benya, if I let her go, she will definitely buy something.

A man came to the doctor, carefully undressed: carefully took off his pants, carefully took off his underpants and carefully hung it all on a chair. He turned to the doctor and said:
- Doctor, I have one testicle higher than the second!
Doctor:
- Well, that's normal, nothing is ideal.
Man:
- Yes, but somehow it’s not neat!

A wife asks her programmer husband:
- Honey, do you remember when our wedding anniversary is?
- Well, yes! Exactly four days after the antivirus license expires.

I sent an SMS to my girlfriend: “Congratulations on a wonderful Groundhog Day.” She replied that I was an idiot and an asshole. I tried to call her. Didn't pick up the phone. Then I remembered that her “critical days” had begun and calmed down. The next day I re-read my SMS and saw that I had missed the letter “r” in the word “Surka”.

The general saw a soldier polishing his boots with red cream:
- Why do you clean your boots with red cream?
- This does not concern you, Comrade General!
- How do you talk? Answer properly!
- Comrade General, there is no black cream anywhere, only red remains...
- It doesn’t concern me!
- And I told you this right away!

Abram, which of the wives do you think is better: a doctor or a teacher?
- The doctor is better.
- Why?
- Well, the doctors invite: “Come in, take off your clothes,” and the teachers order: “Go to the blackboard!”

A commission came to one monastery, which consisted of abbots of other monasteries. One of the commission members came to the local abbot and indignantly began to tell him that the monks smoke when they pray!
- And what? Our monastery, the Holy Synod, asked whether it was possible to smoke while praying.
- And what was the answer?
- The answer was no! And then we asked if it was possible to pray while smoking, and they told us that it was possible! You see, everything will depend on how you pose the question!

Two women are getting dressed in the locker room. One of them put on her family's panties. The second one asks her:
- When did you start wearing men's underpants?
- From the time my husband found them under the bed.

Rabinovich returned from a business trip earlier than planned, looked under the bed - no one, in the closet - it was also empty, and no one was hanging on the balcony. He returned gloomily to the room, and his wife said to him sarcastically:
- Well, Syoma, are you unlucky? We'll have to take the rap for everyone today.

Mortgage:
- And here is the apartment! - the rabbit thinks.
- So I had lunch! - the boa constrictor thinks.

On board the plane, one of the pilots laughed hysterically. The co-pilot asks:
- What's happened?
“I can imagine the panic in the madhouse when they find out that I escaped!”

Vovochka's mom asks:
- How many tasks were on the test today?
- 15!
- And how many times did you decide wrong?
- Only one thing!
- And the others, it turns out, decided correctly?
- No, I didn’t have time to decide the others...

Comrade Sergeant, a caterpillar has fallen off our tank!
- Don’t be greedy, let the sparrows peck.

Why don't you have cats in your yard?
- What is it?
- Yes, so... nothing...
- Would you like some pasty, neighbor?

Two men drink beer. One says to the other:
- Well, you’ve grown a belly for yourself, Ivanovich!
- It's not a belly. It's the liver!

Honey, have you thrown out the trash can?
- Yes, dear. I just can’t understand - where are we going to put the garbage today?

"A secretary is looking for a job in her specialty. I have experience working with a scarf, a sapper and a tapeworm at a very complex level. Do not offer coffee in bed."

Look how cool it is!
- I’m not cool, but FIFA!
- Oh, are you also interested in football?

Doorbell:
-Did you call the hunger doctor?
- Called.
- What are you complaining about?
- The drinking bouts tortured me...
- How often do they happen to you?
- About four times a year.
- How long?
- For three months...

We've selected the best 100 jokes from every possible genre and ranked them in order. Enjoy!

People have been making jokes for years. They joke with words, make faces, draw pictures and make films. Someone had to clean this up someday.

Joke from a classic

Black humor

Fragment (entirely funnier)

This is a must see

Toilet humor

Proverbial

Personally, I don't find clowns funny at all. To tell the truth, I'm afraid of them. I don't even know when it started. Probably when I was taken to the circus as a child and the clown killed my father.

J. Hendy

Tatusya, do you hear?! I don’t recommend going... The weather is -4 minus... And most importantly, there are absolutely no men here... Ale! Do you hear?! Many girls leave without resting...

S. Dovlatov. Reserve

The creative intelligentsia around the world condemned the closure of the Tajik Opera and Ballet Theater. “Now the unemployed artists will probably become drug dealers and drug couriers,” music critics confidently say.

Magazine "Krasnaya Burda"

The girl is beautiful
lying naked in the bushes.
Another would have raped
and I just kicked.

O. Grigoriev

They are little blue creatures, and each of them has fifty arms, so that they are the only people in the whole universe who invented deodorant before the wheel.

D. Adams. Restaurant at the edge of the universe

If Roosevelt had lived, he would have turned over in his grave.

Samuel Goldwyn

The boatswain fell overboard,” Captain Thrym told me. - I myself am partly to blame for this. It happened early in the morning. I picked him up so that he could get a better look at the iceberg, and quite by accident, I assure you, I completely accidentally dropped him overboard.
“Captain Thrym,” I inquired, “have you done anything to save him?”
“Not yet,” he answered embarrassedly.

S. Leacock. Lost among the swells, or Shipwreck on the ocean

I was surrounded by sweethearts nice people, slowly squeezing the ring...

A. Knyshev

The doorbell rings. The man opens it and sees on the threshold a creature in a robe and flippers, with an alpenstock, a clown nose, cardboard butterfly wings behind his back and in a cap with bells. Man, amazed:
- Who are you?
- I am your death...
- Oh God! What a ridiculous death!

Terrible sciatica. Old-timers don’t remember a person’s ass hurting so much.

F. Ranevskaya

Have mercy, Pyotr Andreich! What are you up to! Did you and Alexey Ivanovich have a fight? Great trouble! Hard words break no bones. He scolded you, and you scold him; he hits you in the snout, and you hit him in the ear, in another, in the third - and go your separate ways...

A. Pushkin. Captain's daughter

What's great? - Winnie the Pooh shouted to him from the sky. - Well, who do I look like?
- At a bear flying in a hot air balloon!
- Doesn’t he look like a little black cloud? - Pooh asked anxiously.
- Not good.
- Okay, maybe it looks more like it from here.

A. Milne. Winnie the Pooh and everything, everything, everything
(retelling by B. Zakhoder)

In their company I would have died of boredom if I had not been there.

Alexander Dumas son

Are you giving up or not? - Woland shouted in a terrible voice.
“Let me think,” the cat humbly answered, put his elbows on the table, buried his ears in his paws and began to think. He thought for a long time and finally said:
- I give up.
“Kill the stubborn creature,” Azazello whispered.
“Yes, I give up,” said the cat, “but I give up solely because I can’t play in an atmosphere of bullying from envious people!”

M. Bulgakov “The Master and Margarita”

My friend always dies laughing during sex, no matter what she reads.

Emo Phillips

A thousand apologies! - Don Gug cried, smoothly approaching the table. - By the rickets of my duke, completely unforeseen circumstances! I was stopped four times by the patrol of His Majesty the King of Arkanar, and twice I fought with some boors. - He gracefully raised left hand wrapped in a bloody rag. - By the way, noble dons, whose helicopter is this behind the hut?
“This is my helicopter,” Don Condor said grumpily. - I don't have time for fights on the roads.

A. and B. Strugatsky. It's hard to be a god

Ammos Fedorovich. No, it’s no longer possible to get rid of this: he says that his mother hurt him as a child and since then she’s been giving him a little vodka.

N. Gogol. Auditor

I met several professors there. One of them followed me all the time and explained that the ancestral home of the gypsies was in the Giant Mountains, and the other argued that inside globe there is another ball, much larger than the outer one. In a madhouse, everyone could say whatever came into his head, as if in parliament.

J. Hasek. The adventures of the good soldier Schweik

What can I say, with great pleasure
We spent our day off!
We were just unlucky with the weather,
People, era and country...

V. Vishnevsky

Indiana Jones unexpectedly wins a saber duel with a pistol.

Film "Indiana Jones in Search of the Lost Ark."

My cousin just passed away prematurely. He was only 19 years old. He was stung by a bee, the tightrope walker's eternal enemy.

Dan Rather, TV presenter

The Kid began to run out of patience, and the last time Uncle Julius visited them, he drew his portrait in his album, and under the picture he wrote: “Dummy.” Uncle Julius accidentally saw this drawing and said: “You drew a horse poorly.”

A. Lindgren. Carlson, who lives on the roof, plays pranks again

V. Bogorad

Do you identify with your character?
- No.
- Why?
- I play a crazy cannibal robot!

From the film "Notting Hill"

And your dad is a Mendel Creek binder. What is this dad thinking about? He thinks about drinking a good shot of vodka, about punching someone in the face, about his horses - and nothing else.

I. Babel

Clothes make a person. Naked people have very little, if any, influence in society.

M. Twain

The oldest of funny jokes.
One day the scholastic philosopher met his old friend.
- ABOUT! And they told me that you died!
- No, you see, I’m alive.
- That's how it is. But the person who told me you died is more trustworthy than you.

Collection of anecdotes "Philogelos", 5th century BC. e.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

W. Churchill

Forty is the age when you finally feel young, but it’s too late.

Pablo Picasso

There are only two infinite things: the Universe and stupidity. Although I'm not sure about the Universe.

Albert Einstein

Listen, dumpling, it dawned on me: each of our ancestors fucked at least once!

From the film "Beavis and Butthead"

Well, if you’ll be with us in Kolyma, you’re welcome!
- No, it’s better if you come to us...

From the film “The Diamond Arm”

Sleep quickly, someone else needs your pillow!

M. Zoshchenko

P. Woodhouse. Keep it up, Jeeves!

Entrust the solution to a difficult task to a lazy employee: he will find an easier way.

Hlade's Law

If a critical situation arises, wake me up at any time of the day or night - even if I am at a cabinet meeting.

Ronald Reagan

To help a patient develop his hands after a complex operation, doctors gave him lice...

I. Kvasov

Ramada. You've lost a $30 million jet bomber!
Topper Harley. But I pay $10 every week as compensation!

From the film “Hot Shots”

I dreamed about Freud. What would that mean?

E. Lec

There was nothing to sleep on. In the janitor's room there was the smell of rotting manure, spread by Tikhon's new felt boots. Old felt boots stood in the corner and the air was also not ozonized.

I. Ilf, A. Petrov. 12 chairs

Do you have a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mae West

Sometimes you have to make people laugh to distract them from wanting to hang you.

B. Shaw

Ale... Who is this? Director? Fuck you, director! Not up to you in a minute.

From the film “Masyanya”

A man travels to Israel from the USSR and takes a parrot with him. The customs officer asks him:
- How old is the parrot?
- Three hundred.
- Then it's an antique. Export is prohibited. You can only use a stuffed animal or a carcass.
Parrot from the cage:
- Semyon, be it a carcass or a stuffed animal, you have to get out of here.

When George ends his life on the gallows, Harris will remain the worst packer in the world.

J. C. Jerome. Three in the boat, not counting the dog

Bimbo, wait! When he told this joke, he didn't know that you were an elephant!

Harry Larsen

If life is too busy,
Sexual function weakens.

I. Guberman

The Simpsons are watching the lottery results.
Homer. This guy certainly won a lot of money, but there is one thing that no amount of money can buy!
Marge. So what is this?
Homer. Dinosaur!

From the film "The Simpsons"

The river was so dirty that at times it seemed as if it was flowing upside down.

T. Pratchett

A person can live a long time on the money he waits for.

William Faulkner

When my parents finally realized that I had been kidnapped, they did not hesitate for a minute and immediately rented out my room.

W. Allen

I am from the Mog tribe. Half dog, half human. I best friend yourself!

From the film “Space Eggs”

Don't touch Shikhman's bear,
With Mishka, doubts go away:
He's all Jews
In every generation.
Over there the grandfather is paralyzed,
Former pest doctor
And I am an anti-Semite
On anti-Semite.
Mishka is a doctor, he suddenly became quiet,
There is an abyss of them in Israel.
There are only gynecologists there
Like uncut dogs.
There is no way for dentists
They ask for too much.
Where can I find all the teeth?
This means unemployment.

V. Vysotsky

Two twin brothers show off their birthday gifts.
First. What did they give you?
Second. Coloring book and balloon.
First. But they gave me a box of chocolates, a set of markers, a fire truck, railway battery-powered, radio-controlled helicopter, sled, two stamp albums, guinea pig, flashlight and bicycle!
Second (spreading his arms). Well, at least I don’t have blood cancer!

She grabbed his hand and repeatedly asked, “Where did you put the money?”

A. Averchenko. Magazine "Satyricon"

Pushkin had four sons, and all of them were idiots. One of them couldn’t even sit on a chair and kept falling. Pushkin himself sat rather poorly in a chair. It used to be pure hilarious: they were sitting at the table; At one end, Pushkin keeps falling out of his chair, and at the other end, his son. Just take the saints out!

D. Harms. Anecdotes from the life of Pushkin

The best view of this city is if you sit in a bomber.

I. Brodsky. Performance

Darling, kiss me goodbye... Promise me that you will never marry again!
- I promise!
- No sex!
- Sorry, I didn't hear...
- No sex!
- Honey, your speech is slurred... You have a terrible injury!
- No sex, no sex!
- O evil fate, last words wives will remain under the veil of darkness!
- Don't fuck!
- Yes, dear... Go to the light...

From the film “Scary Movie 3”

My liver hurts
My throat is dry
There's nothing to hang over with
The documents were stolen
The eye is blackened, the jacket is covered in dust,
Pants under the bed
What have they come to?
Communist bitches...

I. Irtenev

The apartment of two friends was robbed.
Ross. What did the insurance company say?
Chandler. Yes, they kept repeating: “You didn’t sign an insurance contract with us, stop calling us.”

From the series "Friends"

From the film “Hedgehog in the Fog”

And you yourself know how difficult it is to write about love in France. Because everything related to love has long been written in France. Everyone there knows about love, but here they know nothing about love. Show our person with secondary education, show him the chancre and ask: “Which chancre is this - hard or soft?” - he will definitely blurt out: “Soft, of course,” but show him soft - and he will be completely confused. But there - no. There, perhaps, they don’t know how much “St. John’s wort” costs, but if the chancre is soft, then it will be soft for everyone and no one will call it hard...

Ven. Erofeev. Moscow - Petushki

A Chukchi brings his novel to the editorial office. The editor read it and said to the author:
- You see, it’s rather weak... You should read the classics. Have you read Turgenev? And Tolstoy? And Dostoevsky?
- However, no. The Chukchi is not a reader, the Chukchi is a writer.

Nick Gurevich

Eat hare droppings
He is vigorous, he will get through...
Although it tastes cool,
And sometimes they die from it,
But which ones survive -
They live to old age!

L. Filatov. About Fedot the Sagittarius...

V. Lubnin

Kyle. Hey Stan, did you see the rainbow this morning?
Stan. Yeah. So healthy!
Cartman. I hate rainbows!
Stan. Cartman, everyone likes rainbows. What is there to hate about her?
Cartman. It's not clear, is it? Here you are sitting, all in your thoughts, and this rainbow suddenly comes and crawls right up your leg, gets into your ass, and starts biting! Then you’ll yell: “Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbow!”
Kyle. Cartman, a rainbow is a multi-colored arch that appears in the sky after a thunderstorm.
Cartman. Ahh! Rainbow! Oh yes, I love rainbows. So cool!
Stan. Cartman, what were you talking about?
Cartman. A? Yes, so... About nothing...

From the movie "South Park"

I want to tell you that we cannot get married at all.
- Why?
- First of all, I'm not a natural blonde.
- It doesn't matter.
- But I smoke. I smoke all the time.
- I don't care.
- I will never have children.
- We'll adopt someone.
- Oh, damn it! And after all, I am a man.
- Well then. Everyone has their own shortcomings.

From the film “Some Like It Hot”

Gentlemen of the jury! Look at Cicolini! Yes, he talks like an idiot and looks like an idiot. But don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

From the film “Duck Soup”.