How to politely refuse a person’s request - learn to say No. How to competently, culturally and politely refuse a person’s request or loan of money without offending him: words, phrases, dialogue. A colleague or friend constantly asks for help: how to refuse delicately and correctly

I don't know how to refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually all my attempts to politely refuse without offending the person end either in offense or in the phrase “okay, I’ll see what I can do.” The most extreme case - This . I don’t know if deception is small, for good, or half true. This is an even more difficult question.

Constantly deceive - not a very good solution, which in the end will still lead to conflict, since you will be completely confused and lie.

How to refuse your boss who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives without them being offended? How to let your friends know that you at the moment can't you help them?

In fact, there are a huge number of options, we just don’t know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now

With the phrase “this sounds very tempting,” you let the person know that his offer interests you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.

It’s a nice refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives it’s only suitable once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other entertainment events.

Remember once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?

But for people you don’t see very often, this answer is perfect.

I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience

Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do something he doesn’t like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time is better?!”

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.

But if we say that in last time after you drank milk and couldn't be in society all day due to stomach problems, you may be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”

I would love to, but...

Another good way refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

Firstly, when you start explaining something in detail, you gradually begin to feel yourself. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to latch on to something in your story and persuade you.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.

To be honest, I don't know much about this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a switch.

If you've been asked to do something or give advice and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really knows about it? This way you will not only not offend the person, but also show that you care and are trying to help as much as you can.

I can't do this, but I'll be happy to help with...

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - Still, you help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite understand it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: “who is more friend” - the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

What if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the world.

This sounds great! But, unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule now. Let me call you back...

This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're not really in a position to help. This way, you not only do not offend the person, but also leave yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.

Even at psychology lectures at the university, we were taught that we must refuse by starting a sentence with the word “yes” and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to fuss for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are simply lazy or do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and will definitely you can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As are you, by the way. - someone else's.

Quite often it happens that people have to do something that they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from one of their relatives, friends, or colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant tasks and how to learn to refuse people? In reality, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to listen to the recommendations of experienced psychologists.

Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests, sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, and dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth exposing yourself to such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse a person who asks?

First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague truly needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the fulfillment of duties that are unpleasant to him onto someone else’s shoulders. If we are talking about a task that the person asking can perfectly cope with himself, spending a little more effort and time, you just need to rid yourself of the feeling of guilt.

As a rule, people who ask for a favor are those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to see everything through to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this except those who failed to properly plan the time and energy to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you do not owe anything to anyone, and to put your interests first, exclusively.

Ability to handle different forms of refusal

There are several simple ways that can help on how to refuse a person culturally and without offending him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this corresponds to reality. In some cases, an acquaintance or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future,” that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not giving instant consent, but warning: it is possible that after finishing the first case, you will have a second, third, and so on.

If the person asking is particularly persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” This is called “properly killing two birds with one stone.” An acquaintance receives what he asked for; you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.

Refusing does not mean offending

In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses or explanations - when a request is made by someone you don’t know very well or close person. In such situations, even apologizing is not necessary, especially if we are talking about some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask to explain the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not be accountable to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I can’t help you due to personal circumstances” is acceptable, without detailed explanations.

When someone close to you asks for a favor, of course, it is more difficult to respond negatively to the request, but even here there are several options for how to refuse to a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that is being asked to you, or that you are afraid of solving the problem poorly or incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, or competence. Well-mannered people will never impose a complex matter and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.

The main thing is not to give in to persuasion

Sometimes the person asking tries to persuade him to agree in every possible way - through persuasion, entreaties and even blackmail. Once you follow a lead, you will forever open a “loophole” that will be used by unscrupulous acquaintances. With such people you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think at all about your feelings, and about what they can do to you that is unpleasant.

Psychologists even highlight the point that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.

Refuse...temporarily

Of course, not all requests should be refused; It is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others and truly important requests. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately determine how complex and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, refuse the person, but temporarily. It is enough to state that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.

If it turns out to be simple enough, you can meet halfway, but in the case when it comes to something unpleasant or too difficult question, you can again culturally refer to being busy or directly declare your reluctance to help, since this will take too much time and effort, so necessary to resolve your own issues.

Video response on the topic “How to refuse and not become an enemy” from the “Success” program

Partial "no"

Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of your character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walks with friends, activities with children, meetings with loved ones. For those who cannot instantly transform from a universal “helper” into a person capable of tactfully refusing, experts recommend learning to do this gradually.

For example, when asked by a neighbor to walk her dog, there are three acceptable responses for “beginners”:

only on certain days of the week
only in good weather
just no more than 15 minutes

On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.

What about "yes"?

It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just don’t “put everyone on your neck” who wants to receive free and high-quality help. Always put first own desires and priorities, and even in cases where someone you know was offended by receiving a refusal, this does not mean that you - bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or friend communicated with you solely for his own benefit. Value your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!

Good day to you, our dear readers! New article prepared for you by Irina and Igor. “No” is a very simple word, but as simple as it is, it can be difficult to pronounce. There is nothing wrong with helping your friends, relatives or colleagues with requests.

But our reliability often plays with us in " cruel joke”, accumulating a pile of worries and work “for others”, forcing us to put off what is important for us. Therefore, in today’s article we will discuss how to learn how to properly refuse a person.

When is it difficult to say no?

First, let's figure out in what situations it is difficult for us to refuse other people.

The most difficult thing is to refuse your loved ones or relatives, since this may offend someone from your family, there is a fear that they will stop communicating with you or the relationship will deteriorate.

It can be difficult to refuse your boss, even if you understand that his proposal or request is meaningless and will only become an unnecessary burden and waste of working time. Most often, people are afraid to refuse their boss for fear of being fired or losing a bonus.

It happens that people are afraid to refuse even strangers for fear of a possible conflict due to refusal.

You don’t want to refuse friends, so as not to spoil the relationship and not be left alone.

In general, one or another of our fears prevents us from saying “no,” which is worth learning to fight.

Why is it so important to be able to say “no”?

At least because trouble-free people are often considered weak-willed, and this does not bring benefits to their reputation. In addition, reliability often allows you to be manipulated, forcing you to adapt to other people rather than find consensus.

And, of course, because reliability can lead to you sacrificing your more important matters for the sake of other people’s and not very important tasks. Ultimately, this lowers your success and also delays the implementation of your primary goals.

Gentle Rejection Techniques

In order for your refusal not to look like “swatting away an annoying fly,” you must first listen to the person and evaluate the importance and your ability to fulfill his request.

At this stage, it is important to be able to estimate the amount of time required to fulfill a given request, to estimate the amount of time you have, to be able to evaluate the importance of the problem for the “asker” and the importance of its implementation for yourself.

You can learn the ability to effectively evaluate your own and other people’s time, as well as set priorities, using time management techniques, which you can learn on your own thanks to video courses:

“The Master of Time – highly productive time management according to the system of Evgeniy Popov”
“Time management, or how to increase your efficiency”
Free online video course “Setting and achieving goals. How to achieve results in any business?

You can also ask again and clarify some aspects of the request. This will make it clear to the interlocutor that you listened to him attentively and you “care.”

If you can’t immediately assess the resources spent and the importance of the problem, you can ask your interlocutor for time to think before making your decision. Perhaps fulfilling the request will have a number of advantages for yourself, but if not, then you should move on to refusal.

When refusing to friends and family, you can honestly describe your emotions and problems, why you cannot help them at the moment.

You have a lot of work, so you won’t be able to come to a meeting, you have a big expenditure of money, so you can’t lend, you have important business negotiations scheduled for the morning, so you can’t meet a friend at the station at night, and so on.

Don’t hesitate to be honest, show sympathy and understanding, try to offer alternative solutions to the situation: meet later or another day, go to the bank for a certain amount of money, call a taxi to the station at night.

In a situation where the interlocutor is trying to persuade you to fulfill his request again, stand your ground and say the same thing again, slightly paraphrasing, but leaving the general meaning.

In case of refusal, management should provide reasonable reasons for its refusal.

It can be difficult, but if you learn how to do it, it will only increase your importance as a “smart” employee.

If the manager wants to “assign” one or more responsibilities to you, then if you refuse, you should list your current responsibilities or indicate the main task that you are currently busy solving. If your manager doesn't back down, ask him for help in prioritizing work.

So, the boss will understand how busy you are, or at least, this will provide a temporary opportunity to postpone the completion of a new assignment for the period when you are free from current issues.

If management makes unreasonable requests, try to appeal with labor laws or your job description. If it is difficult for you to speak directly, you can prepare a refusal in writing, this will make the task much easier.

If you refuse to help a colleague with his job responsibilities, you can also refer to workload or refuse without explanation, using the phrase: “I would like to help, but I can’t do it now.”

Be firm and do not give in to persuasion, because if you fulfill someone else’s responsibility once, you risk doing it “for life.”

You can also use the compromise “no” technique, in which case you agree to fulfill the request, but on your own terms, otherwise you refuse to fulfill the request.

For example, if a colleague asks for a ride to work, you can agree, while indicating that you will give him a ride only if he is waiting at the appointed place exactly at the appointed time, otherwise you have the right not to wait for him.

If you do not find your problem reflected in the above recommendations, we advise you to pay attention to the book by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher “Learn to say “No” , which describes all sorts of methods and practices on how to learn how to properly refuse people.

Are you familiar with the problem of not being able to refuse? How do you approach solving it? Do you have your own duty phrases?

Best regards, Irina and Igor

This article will tell you in an accessible form how to decisively, but at the same time competently, accurately and politely refuse a person who asks you for some favor...

Not long ago I watched the film with Jim Carrey “Yes Man” (2008 release). The plot revolved around the idea that you need to overcome yourself, say “Yes” to everyone and everything will be like this -

But in practice, it seems to me, the problem is exactly the opposite - many people feel uneasy at the mere thought that they will have to REFUSE someone. They constantly joke that “it’s easier to give in than to explain why “no”, etc.

Actually, this skill can be mastered. But I’ll say even more than that - you NEED to master it, because if you don’t know how to say “no,” then you will NEVER become a truly free person, fully realized, do what YOU need, AND NOT OTHERS. You will be doomed to do things that DO NOT concern you, while being angry with those around you and with yourself, repeating like a mantra the cherished words of all the compromisers: “well, this is definitely the last time...”

So, let's stop being trouble-free “like a Mosin rifle made in 1891” - in front of you there are 6 quite simple ways STRONGLY, CONVINCINGLY and DECISIVELY, but at the same time POLITELY, TACTICALLY, and WITHOUT VIOLENCE ON YOURSELF say “NO”:

METHOD ONE – STRAIGHT LINEAR “NO”

The first thing that comes to mind is to directly tell your interlocutor “NO” and explain the reason for the refusal.

In fact, there is no need to “explain” at all. If you stand and come up with " the real reason refusal”, then it will be immediately obvious - your behavior will look insincere and far-fetched...

Wouldn't it be better to just say no, without making up stories or lying along the way? A direct, simple “no” is completely self-sufficient, convincing and understandable.

Try this recipe - just don't add anything to your refusal.

Of course, there is no need to be rude. You can use soft formulations:

If this is not enough for your interlocutor, he begins to resort to various manipulations and tricks, then you can try to use the so-called “BROKEN PLATE TECHNIQUE”, the essence of which is to repeat the same phrase several times - in our case, a short refusal :

Under no circumstances should you react to provocations! They must be patiently listened to and waited out. Even if one form of “persuasion” replaces another, you cannot ask questions, clarify anything or object - only listen silently and repeat your “no!”

The technique considered is especially effective in relation to assertive and/or aggressive people, as it deprives them of the opportunity to exert their strength, and, consequently, the opportunity to continue persuasion.

METHOD TWO - EMPATHY “NO”

Here is the “softest” answer to the question “ How to politely refuse someone?», main principle which consists of thoughtful, attentive listening to the interlocutor. You need to show that you understand his problems with all your heart and sympathize with him. But at the end, you add your refusal to fulfill the request.

You can use the following opt-out options:

At the same time, you may also not indicate the reason for the refusal, especially if your compassion looks quite convincing.

This technique is especially effective with people who want to arouse pity and play on your feelings. And, of course, to those who just wanted attention, sympathy and support...

METHOD THREE - REASONABLE “NO”

If there is a good enough reason for your refusal, then you can, of course, voice it. In this case, there is no need to be clever - just use this simple formula: “I can’t do this because ... (the reason is stated below)”

You can also use special refusal techniques, for example, the “ three reasons" The formula for this rather weighty and convincing technique sounds like this: “Sorry, but I can’t do this for three reasons... (these reasons are stated below)”

The main thing in this technique is not to get carried away with unnecessary details. It is important that the interlocutor does not get lost in your arguments and grasps the very essence of your message.

Use this technique possible in both informal and formal settings. It will be especially appropriate when communicating with your bosses, older people, etc.

METHOD FOUR - DELAYED “NO”

If the methods described above are too decisive for you, if you are used to automatically agreeing with everything and have completely forgotten how to refuse, the method of DELAYING THE ANSWER may be suitable for you. This way you will gain time and be able to turn to other people for advice. how to politely refuse someone etc.

This technique is also well suited for those who are heavily loaded with work (and, accordingly, cannot correctly assess their labor reserves), who excessively doubt themselves and their actions, as well as those who are accustomed to constantly and carefully analyze all their actions.

The essence of the technique is to ask for time to think about the request:

This way, you won’t have to bend your heart. You just need to ask for some time-out, which will protect you from many rash decisions. Just try not to leave "enemy of maneuver" room for further discussion at this point in time!

Such techniques work great with persistent, assertive people who do not tolerate any objections at all.

METHOD FIFTH – “NO” BY 50% or COMPROMISE “NO”

Sometimes you would agree to help your interlocutor, but not 100%, right? Then you can invite him to negotiate the terms. But here it is important to be extremely precise - what you will do and what you won’t:

If your opponent is not happy with the conditions, then you can safely refuse help!

METHOD SIX – “NO” IN THINGS or DIPLOMATIC “NO”

Sometimes you just need to invite your interlocutor to negotiations. Then it will be convenient to refuse him on certain points, and it will be much easier to find a mutually acceptable option.

This technique is suitable when ready-made solution You don’t have a problem, and you would like to find it together: “Come on, I’ll try to help you in a different way? How – I haven’t decided yet... Let’s think about it together?”

You can also invite a third party (specialist, expert, your friend and ally) for cooperation...

HOW TO MASTER THESE TECHNIQUES?

As you can see, if you need politely refuse a person– there is plenty to choose from. But simply reading this material is completely insufficient.

Therefore, put them into practice as often as possible so that these useful skills simply become a habit!

The Spanish philosopher Gracian Baltazar once said that “he who belongs to everyone cannot belong to himself.”

Think about it. And understand that it is vital to develop the skill described above, since you cannot answer affirmatively to any request - after all, this WILL LEAD YOU TO A SITUATION in which WILL NOT BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR ACTIONS NOBODY ! Do you need it?

A polite refusal, drawn up taking into account psychological subtleties, will allow you to say “no” in such a form that the addressee not only will not be offended, but will also strengthen his desire for further cooperation.

From the article you will learn:

When and how to use polite forms of refusal

The ability to use polite forms of refusal in cases where you cannot fulfill someone's request will always come in handy. Of course, in the workplace where you perform your professional responsibilities, you have to refuse much less often. This is due to the ethics of business relationships, when both requests and the obligation to fulfill them are strictly regulated job descriptions both the one who makes the request and the one to whom it is addressed.

However, circumstances may develop in such a way that you will have some freedom of choice. Most often, these are just such requests and proposals from colleagues, which just go beyond the established regulations. But in some situations, a polite refusal may be required, even when the request is related to the fulfillment of something that is part of your functionality, but due to your workload you cannot fulfill it.

In any case, a monosyllabic answer “no” is excluded. You should use polite forms of refusal to avoid damaging your relationship with a colleague or head and, at the same time, make it clear that such requests should not be made to you in the future.

Psychologists advise using such simple but effective polite forms of refusal as:

Deferment of decision- ask for time to think about the request, promise to let you know whether you can fulfill it after, for example, checking your diary and to-do list;
Explain why you cannot comply with the request- although you are not obliged to give explanations (if this is not a direct order from the manager);
Anticipate the request- if you expect that a request will follow, complain to your interlocutor before he makes it about how busy you are;
Promise that next time you will fulfill the request- this version of the polite form of refusal still does not oblige you to say “yes” next time, especially when supplemented with the condition “in case I have free time”;
“Mirror” your interlocutor’s request with your refusal- repeat the phrases with which the interlocutor is trying to convince you to fulfill his request, showing friendly sympathy and looking into the eyes of your counterpart.

EXAMPLE

An example of a polite refusal in a “mirror” form:

You: “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help you with your report after lunch.”

Colleague: “I need to do it today.”

You: “Yes, I know you have to submit a report today, but I won’t have time to help you.”

Colleague: “But today is the last day for submitting reports.”

You: "Yes, today - deadline, but I’m busy after lunch and won’t be able to participate in the preparation of the report.”

A polite refusal can be used in relationships with your immediate supervisor or director. If, for example, he once again tries to load you with overtime, try to explain that the greater the workload, the less productive you are. Explain to him that working hours you will be able to perform assigned tasks according to their priority.