Let's understand English humor - jokes. The best jokes about Americans American jokes

Hello dear readers! I'm glad to see you on my blog page. I suggest reading jokes in English today, having fun and usefully spending time.

When you read books, articles on English or, are you able to understand all the jokes? Or maybe you found yourself in a situation where someone told funny jokes and everyone around you laughs, except you? Shall we check?

I have made a selection of short English jokes on various topics. In general, the British love to laugh at themselves, but they also have a lot of good jokes about the Russians. One of the best categories are jokes about (but I still wonder what nation is the author of them?). Children and students will find interesting jokes about school. Let's start with them!

About studying

Student : Brains like Bermuda triangle– wheninformation goes in it is never found again.

Translation.

Student: Brains are like the Bermuda Triangle - once information gets into it, it can no longer be found.

Teacher : Ikilledaperson. Tom Green, convert this sentence into Future Tense, please.

Student Tom Green : You will go to jail.

Translation.

Teacher: I killed a man. Tom Green, restate this sentence in the future tense. Student: You will go to jail.

Ifasingle teacher can't teach us all subjects, then how can you

expectastudent to learn all of them?

Translation.

If one teacher cannot teach us all subjects, how can a student be expected to learn them all?

On the topic of the day

Hardwork never killed anybody, but why takeachance?

Translation.

Hard work has never killed anyone, but why take the risk?

wife : Darling,yesterday nightIsawa wonderfuldream - you were sending

me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, andIsaw your dad paying the bill.

Translation.

Wife : Dear, yesterdayAt night I dreamed of you sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yes, and I saw your father pay the bill for it.

Ialwayslearn from the others' mistakes -those who take my advice.

Translation.

I always learn from the mistakes of others - those who follow my advice.

About everything

- Whatis the longest word in the English language?

  - « Smiles». Because there isamile between its first and last letters!

Translation.

— What is the longest word in the English language?

— « "Smiles". Because there is a whole mile between the first and last letter!

Thegirl andtheboy are talking. The girl says," You could bean excellentdancer except for two things." The boy asks, « And what are they?» The girl answers," Your feet."

Translation.

Conversation between a girl and a boy. The girl says: “You could be an excellent dancer if not for two problems.” The boy asks: “Which ones?” The girl answers: “Your legs.”

- Willyou tell me your name?- Will. Knot.- Why not?

Translation.

- Can you tell me what your name is? - Yes. Not - Why not?

• Book « The best English jokes» will add a sea of ​​cool jokes to your collection! I recommend it.
• A this collection (though in electronic form) will enrich your library not only with anecdotes, but also with famous legends and popular tales.
• Popular English and American jokes in the context of language teaching, this is an excellent option that the well-known Ilya Frank offers us.
• And one more collection « The best English jokes» will make you smile more than once and at the same time not strain, but enjoy easy reading.

About the English Queen

At the beginning of the article I said that jokes about English Queen quite popular. Yes, but representatives of other nations, for example, we Russians, like such jokes more. The British themselves are not particularly welcoming similar topics... Either they are afraid of the wrath of the long-lived monarch, or is it really in their blood to be correct in everything!? What do you think, huh?

But still I managed to find one funny joke. I don’t even know who could have come up with it?….

Once Bernard Shaw dropped the phrase that all women are corrupt. The English Queen heard that and when meeting Shaw, asked him:

"Is it true, sir, that you are saying that all women are corrupt?”

"Yes, Your Majesty."

- And me too?! - exclaimed the queen indignantly.

"And you too, Your Majesty," Shaw said calmly.

“And how much am I worth?” asked the queen.

“Ten thousand pounds” Shaw said at once.

- What, so cheap?! The queen resented.

“You see, you are already bargaining about the price,” the playwright smiled.

Translation:

Bernard Shaw once said that all women are corrupt.

The Queen of England, having learned about this, asked Shaw when she met:

“Is it true, sir, that you say that all women are corrupt?”

- Yes, Your Majesty.

- And me too?! - the queen was indignant.

“And you too, Your Majesty,” Shaw replied calmly.

- And how much do I cost?! - the queen burst out.

“Ten thousand pounds sterling,” Shaw immediately determined.

- What, so cheap?! - the queen was surprised.

“You see, you’re already bargaining,” the playwright smiled.

Sometimes Russian people cannot comprehend the meaning of subtle and sharp English humor, because... Difficulties often arise with translation into Russian. There is an opinion that English humor is peculiar and difficult to perceive. What is the reason?

This happens because many jokes are based on double meaning of phrases or the use of words that sound similar but have different meanings (this is what I'm talking about, by the way). That’s why it’s so important to know the language well, above average.

That is why I recommend that you immediately subscribe to my blog and practice mastering the language regularly. Tell your friends and share the information you receive via links in social networks. Bye everyone, wait for new articles!

A Russian and an American went to hell, Satan asks them:
- Well, which hell do you want to go to, Russian or American?
American:
- How is it different?
Satan:
- Well, in American hell you have to eat a bucket of shit a day and do whatever you want, but in Russian - 2 buckets of shit.
- Well, I’ll go to the American one, there’s less shit there.
- And I’m a Russian, I’ve lived in Russia all my life, which means I have to go to Russian hell.
A month passes, a Russian and an American meet, the Russian asks:
- Well, how is it in American hell?
- It’s normal, I eat a bucket of shit a day and I’m fine, but how are you?
- And here, like in Russia, they won’t deliver shit, then there aren’t enough buckets for everyone!!

All Americans go to heaven when they die. Because, unnoticed by the Apostle Peter, the gates of hell are slightly shifted.

A tribe of cannibals caught an American, a Frenchman and a Russian. Leader:
- We will eat this skinny Frenchman for breakfast... We will eat this fat American for lunch...
Tribe:
- Shall we eat Russian for dinner?
Leader:
- No, we will let the Russian go, I studied with him in the same group at MGIMO.

The main difference between a Russian and an American patriot is that the Russian hates America, while the American doesn’t care about Russia.

One shark says to another:
- Why are you so fat?
- I eat tourists from Russia.
- It's dangerous! They can kill you!
- No! It’s when you catch an American or a German that your fellow countrymen rush to help. And if these, then their compatriots shout:
- Have fun, bro, how exotic! And they film it on video...

An American soldier returns from the front and travels through England on a train. All the seats are occupied, only an Englishwoman is sitting in one compartment, there is a dog on the seat opposite her, and an Englishman next to her.
- Lady, let me sit down!
- You Americans are all very rude! Can't you see, my dog ​​is sitting here!
- But lady, I’m very tired, I fought for three months at the front, I want to sit down!
- You Americans are not only very rude! You are also annoying!
- Lady! I also love dogs, I have two of them at home. Let me sit down and hold your dog in my arms!
- You Americans are not only very rude and annoying! You are simply unbearable!
After these words, the American soldier takes the dog, throws it out the window and sits down. The lady is speechless. The Englishman sitting next to him says:
- You know, young man! I don't agree with her definition of Americans at all, but let me point out that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, you're holding the fork in the wrong hand, and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

An American, a Chinese and a Jew were sitting in the restaurant.
- Everyone got a fly in their soup.
- The American immediately caused a scandal.
- The Chinese ate a fly.
- And the Jew sold his fly to the Chinese.

The Tsar told the American, the French and the Ukrainian that no matter how long they rode across the field on a horse, all that land was theirs. Well, the American gallops for an hour or two, looks back - “Eh, this will be enough for me and my descendants for the rest of my life!” The Frenchman galloped...an hour, two, three, four - he touched the horse, “But no, the horse is tired, and this land is enough for me.” The climax moment is a Ukrainian galloping. An hour, two, three...days, the second went, the horse is already falling exhausted, he gets up and runs-runs-runs, but his strength leaves him and he falls backwards to the ground, takes off his hat and throws it forward, shouting “And tse fuck tomatoes!!”

Manufacturers software The US has made a stunning discovery. It turns out that the reading speed of Russians is hundreds of thousands of times higher than the reading speed of Americans. This became obvious after counting the milliseconds it takes the average Russian to read the user (license) agreement and click *AGREE*.

A Russian sits in a cafe and has an afternoon snack. He has a sandwich with jam and muesli on his table. An American comes up to him and, chewing gum, asks him:
- But you Russians eat whole bread?
The Russian responds:
- Certainly! And what?
An American blowing a bubble out of chewing gum says:
- But we don’t! We Americans only eat the crumbs and collect the rinds in containers, process them, make granola out of them and sell them to Russia!
The Russian is silent. The American, again blowing a bubble gum, asks:
- Do you Russians eat sandwiches with jam?
The Russian responds:
- Of course we’ll eat!
- But we don’t! In America we only eat fresh fruit. We collect seeds, peels and all sorts of scraps in containers, process them, make jam from them and sell them to Russia!
And the satisfied one inflates the bubble again. The Russian was finally pretty offended by this and he, in turn, asked:
- What do you do with condoms after use?
American:
- We throw it away, naturally.
Russian:
- But we don’t! We Russians collect them in containers, process them, make chewing gum out of them and sell them to America.

I am often asked about purely American jokes. It turns out that I had a selection of purely American jokes. I am publishing it here, albeit in an abbreviated form. I chose more or less funny ones. Read, for the sake of Saturday, laugh! 🙂

Collection of American jokes and anecdotes

Translated from English by Mikhail Genin (niho(a)estart.com) 2004

Rules: how to tell jokes and anecdotes.

1. Be sure that you know the joke well and can reproduce it in your mind before you start telling it.
2. Try to make it as short as possible.
3. Avoid telling one joke after another and give the listener a chance to breathe.
4. Remember that jokes must be funny and should not offend anyone present.
5. Vary your jokes, even if you have favorites.
6. Learn to tell a joke without laughing until you finish it.

Marty: “Did you hear Bob got kicked out of school for cheating?”
Wade: "How did this happen"?
Marty: "He got caught counting his ribs on a biology exam."

Coyd: “It was only by chance that I read the letter lying on your desk.”
Ken: "By chance"?
Coyd: “Yeah, I happened to be wearing glasses.”

He: “I’m glad I wasn’t born in France.”
She: “Why”?
He: “I can’t speak French.”

Bob: “With the money I saved, I bought a truss that was 10 miles long and half an inch wide.”
Joe: “Well, what are you going to grow on it?”
Bob: "I planted spaghetti."

Fred: “My uncle has the laziest rooster in the world on his farm.”
Bill: "How do you know"?
Fred: “He never crows at dawn. And, waiting until the other roosters begin to crow, he nods his head in agreement.”

Joe: "You're putting your shoes on the wrong feet."
Mo: “But I don’t have any other legs”!

“Every time I drink tea from a cup, I have a piercing pain in my right eye. What should I do"?
“Take the spoon out of the cup.”

"Is this Joe"?
"Of course it's Joe."
"Doesn't look like Joe."
"Don't worry, it's Joe."
“Then Joe, lend me 10 bucks?”
"I'll ask him as soon as he comes."

Ted: “I saw you pushing your bike on the way to work.”
Mad: "Yeah, I was so late I didn't have time to catch it."

Coyd: “Is it true that carrots are good for your eyesight?”
Fred: "Well, I've never met a rabbit with glasses."

Man: “Did you catch so many fish yourself?”
Boy: Oh, no. The worm helped me."

First boy: “Tell me which one.” best way teach a girl to swim"?
Second boy: “Well, it requires some technique. First, you grab her waist with your left hand. Then you take her tenderly left hand And"…
First boy: “She’s my sister.”
Second boy: “Oh, then you just push her off the board!”

The tenant on the second floor called the tenant on the first floor and shouted:
"If you don't stop playing that creepy saxophone, I'm going to go crazy."
“I'm afraid it's too late,” he replied. "I stopped playing an hour ago."

Host: “If you are going to stay overnight, you must prepare your own bed.”
Guest: “That suits me.”
Owner: “Here’s a hammer and a saw. Good night".

The teacher asked the students to list all the American states. One little boy answered so quickly and with such precision that she interrupted him.
“You answered very well,” she said, “much better than I could answer when I was your age.”
“Yes,” said the boy, “that is understandable, since there were only thirteen states then.”

He: “What would I have to give for a single kiss”?
She: “Chloroform.”

Joan: "I didn't mean to upset you, Dick, but I got engaged to Joe yesterday."
Dick: "Okay, what about next week"?

Him: “I believe I’ve seen your face somewhere else”?
She: “What are you saying, sir. It’s always here and with me.”

One important lady in Washington decided that she could talk to President Coolidge himself. Having caught him during lunch, she decided that such a moment had come.
“Oh, Mr. President,” she said, trying to disarm him with her directness. “I bet I could make you say more than three words.”
"You've lost," Coolidge replied.

The chief entered the warehouse and froze. He saw a boy leaning against the package and openly messing around. This was unheard of impudence in his enterprise.
“How much do you earn per week”? the boss asked menacingly.
"One hundred and twenty dollars."
“Here’s your one hundred and twenty. And now - get out of here. You're fired."
After the boy philosophically put the money in his pocket and left, the boss turned to the foreman and demanded: “Since when has this slacker been working for us?”
“Never, as far as I know,” was the answer. “He just dropped off a package for us.”

A beautiful young lady presented a check at the bank window to get cash. The clerk quickly checked the receipt and asked, “Can you identify yourself?”
After which the young woman opened her purse, took out a mirror and, after looking into it for a couple of seconds, looked at the clerk and said, “Yes, it’s me, don’t worry.”

One evening, a young woman returning from a first aid course came across a man lying face down on the unlit side of the street. “Now,” she thought, “now I will help this unfortunate man.”
Parking nearby, she ran up to him and began performing artificial respiration on the man.
At first the man coughed, then turned to her and, speaking with difficulty, said: “I turned on the flashlight for the guy working down in the sewer well. I don’t know what you thought, but I want you to let me continue my work.”

The girl got a job as a stenographer, and she had to pass a test for the correct spelling of words.
"How do you spell Mississippi"? asked her.
She thought for a moment and then said, “River or state”?

Salesperson: “I’ve been trying to see you all this week. When can you receive me?”
Director: “Agree on this with my secretary.”
Seller: “I made the deal and we had a wonderful time, but now I need to meet you.”

A young woman entered a bookstore and approached the sales assistant.
“Do you return money if the consumer is not satisfied with the quality of the product”? she asked.
“It depends on the product,” explained the seller.
“This product is a book.”
“What didn’t you like about her, madam?”
"Well," she replied, "I didn't like the ending."

Patient: “Will my artificial teeth look like real teeth?”
Dentist: “Madam, I made them so natural that they will even hurt.”

Man: (rushing into a hardware store) “Quick! Give me a mousetrap."
Seller: “One minute, sir”!
Man: “Don’t stand there like a pillar. Faster. I have to catch a taxi in time."
Seller: “Oh, sorry, sir, we don’t have such a big mousetrap.”

The heavy rock lover listened to the next disc and turned to his father, who was reading the evening newspaper at the time, with the exclamation: “Well, have you ever heard anything like this”?
The father raised his head and replied: “No, it’s unlikely. The closest thing I've ever heard to this was when a truck carrying empty dishes crashed into a truck carrying pigs."

For his birthday, his parents gave little Willie a bicycle and proudly watched his debut.
On the first lap, Willie shouted: “Look mom, I’m riding without hands.”
On the second lap he said: “Look, mom, I’m going without legs.”
For the third time: “Look mom, I’m eating without teeth!”

Photographer: ( young man) “The picture will look much better if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.”
Father: “It will be much more natural if his hand is in my pocket.”

The girl returned home from college and enthusiastically told her father about the undoubted benefits of physical education.
“Just look at this exercise. To strengthen my arm muscles, I take this stick by one end and slowly move it from right to left.”
“Well, great!” exclaimed the father. “And what science doesn’t come up with! If the stick had straw at the other end, you could sweep the floor at the same time.”

The young husband, who agreed with his wife that they needed a vacuum cleaner, was very upset when his wife bought a super vacuum cleaner instead of a standard model.
“But, honey,” explained the wife, “it won’t cost more!” All we have to do is pay a little longer.”

Question: “How to quickly disperse the crowd”?
Answer: “Pass the hat in a circle.”

Having paid his hotel bill, the departing guest suddenly turned to the bellhop:
“Quickly, boy, run upstairs to room 454 and see if I left my pajamas and razor. Run quickly, because my train leaves in six minutes.”
Four minutes later, the messenger returned, out of breath. “Yes, sir,” he reported, “they are indeed there.”

Two political candidates from different parties arguing at a rally:
“There are a hundred ways to make money,” said the candidate, “but only one of them is honest.”
“And what is it?” asked his opponent.
“Yeah!” replied the first one. “I thought that you didn’t know this.”

Hearing the doorbell, the owner of the house hurried to open the front door and found an old friend and a large dog next to him.
“Come in! Come in!” he joyfully greeted the guest.
The friend entered the house and sat down, while the dog chased the owner's cat, knocked over a table lamp and several vases, eventually settling into the best chair.
When the guest was about to leave, the owner said with sarcasm in his voice: “Try not to forget your dog!”
“A dog? “I don’t have any dog,” answered the guest. "I thought it was your dog."

"How old are you"? The magistrate asked her. “Don’t forget, you are giving information under oath.”
“Twenty-one years and a few months,” answered the lady.
"How many months"?
"One hundred and eight."

“It’s so hot today that I don’t want to get dressed,” says Jack, getting out of the shower, “honey, what do you think our neighbors will think if I go out to mow the lawn looking like this?”
“I probably married you for the money.”

Oh my God! Grant me Wisdom to understand my husband, Love to forgive him, and Patience to withstand his mood swings. Because, Lord, if I ask you for Strength, I will beat him to death.
Amen

A good fairy appeared to a sixty-year-old couple on their 40th wedding anniversary. She said that since they were so devoted to each other, she would fulfill one of their most cherished desires.
My wife wanted to go on a trip around the world.
Whack...! At that very second, cruise tickets were in her hands.
The husband wanted a woman thirty years younger than him...
Whack...! At that very second he turned into a ninety-year-old man.

Little David was not good at mathematics at all. Whatever his parents did! Teachers, mentors, special training centers, and no use. As a last resort, someone suggested sending him to a Catholic school. David was soon accepted into St. Mary's School.
Immediately after the first day of school, David ran into his room like a bullet, even forgetting to say hello to his mother. He began to study with all seriousness; books and papers lay all over the room. Immediately after lunch, forgetting about the TV, he returned to his studies. The parents were surprised.
This behavior continued for weeks until the report card arrived. David put the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great excitement, the mother opened the envelope. Her boy got an A in math.
She ran to him, hugged him and asked: “David, dear, how did this happen? The nuns helped you?
"No!" said David. “On the first day when I came to school, I saw this guy nailed to the plus sign, I realized that they were not joking here.”