Secrets of communication. How to refuse a person without offending him? Seven simple ways to refuse someone

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This quality of their character is considered by many to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “dependant person” in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they can, at best, count on a dubious compliment as gratitude for their reliability.

A striking example of a reliable person and what the inability to refuse leads to is old movie"Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in leading role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life was almost over, but he never became a person because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of complete selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”

Why are people afraid to say no?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.

Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.

Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.

Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.

How to refuse politely?

By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”

When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;
can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways polite refusal, which show that this task is within the power of anyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”

This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.

2. Compassionate refusal

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.

For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Justified refusal

This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.

4. Delayed refusal

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.

For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”

If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.

For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”

In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one can argue that helping people is necessary and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk ending up in difficult situation when we have nothing to count on anyone's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal”, believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

It is clear that it is simply impossible to refuse anyone. There will always be those who need your attention, location, time, money and even freedom. But life is yours! And you have your own plans for her. How often they do not coincide with the plans of others.

Your regular customer is asking for a huge discount, which you cannot give him, otherwise your company will have to work to its detriment.

You've scheduled a family dinner today, and your boss urgently calls you into the office. At the same time, you understand perfectly well that the matter can wait until the morning.

Your friend made you an offer, but you are not ready to accept it.

Your colleague asks for a loan, and you have already planned out the entire budget.

How to refuse all these people while maintaining good relationships? How to refuse politely?

The ability to firmly say No is a component of self-confidence. A confident person will refuse competently and immediately calmly explain the reason for the refusal. Not fictitious, not exaggerated, quite obvious.

Essentially, if you agree to do something and don't do it because you can't do it in the first place, you give the person hope. And you deceive him... It would be better if everything was put in its place right away. But for some reason you are afraid to refuse.

How often do you give in to an annoying salesperson in a store and end up buying something absolutely unnecessary?

Let’s not delve into the root causes of fear of rejection. Most often, the root cause is lack of self-confidence. Sometimes willpower is not enough...

So, let's learn to refuse politely.

1. Take your time with your answer. Think about the Pros and Cons. Analyze all options. What does this proposal mean for you? Why did you decide to refuse? The arguments must be ironclad.
2. Refuse only after you find the strength and inner determination.
3. Refuse firmly, but not harshly. “I can’t give you this amount of money...” Don’t flirt, try to speak confidently and calmly. Otherwise, the interlocutor will think that you are simply overselling yourself or are hesitating and will insist on your own.
4. Give reasons for your refusal. “I cannot accept your offer because I consider you mine good friend“I can’t lend money because I have to repay the loan by the end of the month.” Just don't lie! Your lies will come out right away. And your conscience will torment you even more.
5. Give a mini-compliment: “I’m pleased that you turned to me for help.” “Such proposals can only be made by very strong people" Just don’t flirt, don’t flirt, otherwise this refusal will be perceived as hope. Is it difficult? Learn! The psychology of relationships is always hard work.
6. Tell me your way out of the situation. “I won’t be able to come to the office now, it’s late and I’m busy. Tomorrow morning I will come an hour earlier and will certainly prepare the necessary papers for negotiations.” “I won’t be able to lend you this amount, since I bought a large item today, but I know one credit cooperative that will help you borrow this amount for a year.”
7. Always speak in a friendly manner and do not be rude or respond aggressively. Your task is to maintain the relationship with your interlocutor.
8. Never use irritating words - such as “problem, error, misconception, on the contrary, incorrect” and so on. To find out which words become those anchors of irritation that spoil any conversation, say them out loud and listen to your feelings. Try to replace these words with positive and life-affirming ones.
9. The last phrase is remembered and your counterpart should be left with a pleasant aftertaste from the conversation, and not the bitterness of refusal. “Thank you for your understanding, I really hope that my refusal will not spoil our future relationship. I’m always ready to help you, you know!”

Refuse gracefully! But only refuse when you really can’t do something. The ability to refuse on time is no less important than to agree on time. Good relationship people are very expensive. Sometimes your refusal may just save them.

IN modern world the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to help. Having agreed once with what is unpleasant or does not want to be done, a person runs the risk that they will bother him to fulfill this request more than once.

Those who are not ready to make a reciprocal gesture will ask for help without remorse.

It happens that a person, having a reliable comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations onto him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Let's look at the basic phrases that help you politely refuse a person without offending him:

Frank refusal. The method will be an effective refusal of a request from an annoying acquaintance. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling a request - this will cause doubts in the person asking.
Sympathetic refusal. This type is suitable for people who seek a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to ignore the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t help.”
Delayed refusal. The option will be suitable for people who are absolutely unable to say “no”. If for a person refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.
With the answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later, when I return from vacation”, you can beautifully refuse impudent interlocutors.
Justified refusal. The essence this method consists of announcing the real reason. For example, you need to go to the cinema with your child, go to your mother’s dacha, or attend a gala event.
This type is suitable for refusing a meeting, and to be convincing, it is advisable to give 2-3 reasons.
Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase “I can’t help, but I have a friend who is dealing with this issue.”
Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. By correctly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.
If the interlocutor asks to babysit the child all day, answer: “I can babysit the baby, but only from 12 to 5 pm, due to the fact that I already have things planned.”

Know that you cannot refuse everyone. There will always be people who need the help and affection of strangers. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between individuals who really require help from those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do something that he has no desire to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a matter, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in good relationships.

Pay attention! The most common request is for money. Having lent money to a person once, you can expect him to come back with a request again.

Psychologists agree that constant failure is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is a decrease in time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life and fulfill their dreams.

Applicants appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Let's consider possible situations and their solutions.

Situation	Solution
Colleague asks for help with work	Explain to the intrusive employee that employees at the company have a range of jobs, and doing things of a different nature will result in a loss of time.
Refusing a stranger asking to visit	Give reasons for the refusal; if there is no priority in communicating with your new interlocutor, feel free to say a categorical “no”
Negative response to relatives	Explain to parents or other family members that own life has needs
Refusal of requests to superiors	Link to employment contract, if the assigned obligations exceed their due amount
In a request for money	Explain the reason for the refusal, and also formulate the correct answer, for example: “I cannot borrow money because I am planning a large expenditure of funds.”

Saying “no” to an intrusive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or your position disappears. It’s another thing to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in your relationship. When forming your refusal, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:

Do not look at your interlocutor and speak in incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person is refusing, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
Apologize constantly. If, after a negative answer, you are tormented by remorse, you should not show this to your interlocutor. This way you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
Talk too much. Such a move may raise the suspicion that a person is being deceived by trying to tell him a lie.
Operate a large number arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will seem that other arguments were thought up on the fly.
Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If there is no good alternative in sight, it is better to refuse immediately.

There is always the option of partial failure - good way, if you don’t want to spoil your relationship with a person. It involves putting forward your own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to achieve consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, cause discord in communication, and ruin your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-lasting, calm relationship. Learn to do this correctly and only when you really cannot help the person.

Useful video

Many people encounter obsessive people - they, as a rule, are benevolent, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if fulfilling their unexpected requests and demands is not part of your plans.

Denis Lunev

psychologist, business coach

The most famous way to solve this problem is called “I-message”. This type of communication is used to express one’s attitude towards a person and a situation without getting personal. Take several sequential steps.

Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, “When they call me 20 times a day...” or “When they expect from me something that I cannot give...”. At this stage, the pronoun “you” should not be used.

The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, “I feel terribly upset,” or “I feel guilty,” or “I feel very unpleasant.”

The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again,” “I want peace and quiet,” “I want to hide.”

If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have the desired effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: “...therefore, I ask you to call no more often than once every two days” or “... I ask you, do not give me any more gifts.”

It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make your attitude and your desires clear.

Tatiana Vaiser

teacher of philosophy and ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA

Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundaries: they may not recognize you as a valuable unit in yourself, but simply pour out their feelings and thoughts outside, using you as a free resource of attention. You need to realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. By imposing, a person seems to be telling you: “I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will allow you to do it yourself.” There is no reason to give him such a right.

In addition, obsessive people may have trouble imagining themselves in that situation, and if they were in it, they might not like it. For example, they would not like to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. There is no need to cherish their illusions on this matter.

More often than not, clingy people feel like you can't refuse them. But you can’t refuse them, because you’re not entirely sure that this should be done, and you’re afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and other people's boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and the sweet and clingy ones will sense in you sufficient strength of spirit and will to bypass them.

There are also simple rhetorical techniques - in a polite, calm and confident tone, say: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk now,” “Sorry, I’m busy with an important matter right now,” “Thank you, we don’t need your services,” “Sorry, I I’m not interested in this topic,” “Unfortunately, this format/mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communicative acts, for example, stop correspondence or not respond to phone calls so that the person stops seeing you as a potential recipient.

Illustration: Olya Volk

3 123 0 Hello! In this article we will talk about how to learn to say “no” or how to properly refuse people.

Are you familiar with situations when you are asked to do something and you agree, although your inner voice resists and advises you to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among brave and self-confident people. Why is it so difficult to refuse? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?

Why are we afraid to refuse people's requests?

Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in strict upbringing.. Children whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will always obey unconditionally or begin to protest against everything around them. In the first case, they take out adult life the habit of listening and fulfilling the requests of others.
Fear of ruining relationships. And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts usually swirl in my head: “What will he think of me? What if he considers me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after this?” Usually the anxiety and discomfort caused by such experiences stronger than desire refuse, and we agree.
Fear of losing existing opportunities. Many are afraid of losing what they have and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
The need to feel self-worth. “If they turn to me, it means that I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often these strings are played by manipulators. “Perhaps no one can handle this except you” or “I can only entrust this matter to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
Fear of loneliness. People may fear that if they refuse a request, they will be rejected and left alone.
Delicacy, politeness. If these qualities are overdeveloped, and a person is accustomed to sacrificing his interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems to be an extremely difficult task for him. Although, even being very loyal and responsive, some people know how to gracefully refuse a request.
Desire to avoid conflict. On the one hand, this is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, there are difficulties in defending your opinion.

Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say “no”

What are the consequences of not being able to say “no” and constantly providing favors to other people?

By regularly responding to requests, you deplete your internal resources, especially if you do it against your own will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be consequences of this.

For example, you are burdened with additional unpaid work, you constantly stay late, and come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.

Afraid of seeming impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything that you are persuaded to do, you end up looking in the eyes of others spineless and unable to defend your “I”.
By doing what other people ask you to do over and over again, you can relax them. By demonstrating constant reliability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a penchant for consumption, a desire to evade responsibility, and others.

For example, a friend regularly asks you to borrow money because she doesn’t know how to “live within her means,” correctly calculate her expenses and quickly spend all her savings. By fulfilling her request, you increasingly allow her to plunge into the abyss of financial problems and an irresponsible attitude towards money. Wouldn't it be better to talk openly with your friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?

You regularly sacrifice your interests, affairs, time, fulfilling the will of others. You may even stop developing spiritually, giving all your strength to it.

For example, a neighbor asks you to babysit her child all day and evening every Saturday. You agree by refusing to go to the gym or visit your parents. At the same time, you know that she has relatives who probably will not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. That’s why she turns to you, but you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.

Realizing that you are constantly being taken advantage of, you yourself begin to have a negative attitude towards these people and avoid communicating with them.

How to say “no” and be able to politely refuse a person

So, you need to correctly refuse a request in situations where:

they use you and constantly contact you;
indeed, there is no time, no opportunity (for various reasons) to do what is asked;
you are very tired;
what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, and values.

The first stage on the path to developing the ability to say “no” is admitting that you really have a problem with this, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.

Then analyze situations where you did not want to comply with a request, but were unable to say “no”. How do they affect your life? What negative consequences do they lead to? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike of one’s dependability and the desire to get rid of it.

After this, you need to move on to action and reinforce a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a friend.

How to politely refuse to communicate with someone

Practice saying “no” in front of the mirror. Imagine a request from someone around you, formulate a refusal phrase. Say it until you like the sound of it and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play out this situation with you. After your workout, notice how you feel.
It is important to put aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject you, or cause a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) asking for something are adequate people who are able to understand that you also have your own affairs and needs and you cannot do it now.
Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying “yes”, because often consent is given out of habit, automatically. A pause will help you collect your thoughts, weigh key points, cope with anxiety.
Always make eye contact when you say no. This shows your confidence and firm decision. Unintelligible phrases and glances “past” the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctant.
Start small - at first, refuse minor requests, for example, to lend money or meet with a friend.
When refusing, speak on your own behalf, use the pronoun “I”: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you,” “I don’t feel comfortable doing this,” etc.
Don't use excuses, it reduces respect for you. The refusal should sound firm, but calm.
Always listen to the person before you say no. This way you will show respect for him and will have time to find the right words yourself.
Be sure to explain your refusal to the person, tell him why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain mutual understanding between you.
Voice your feelings, for example: “Of course, I’m upset that I won’t be able to help my best friend.”
Help with advice, express your opinion on how this situation can be resolved or who is best to contact to fulfill the request.
How to properly refuse work if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: “I cannot fulfill these duties, since everything is spent on the project I am working on.” working hours” or “I can’t stay late at work, because I have to devote this time to my family.”

Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that having personal time and valuables is your legal right. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled “here and now.”

Practical advice and examples from life. Why is it so important to learn to say no?